Home

As our plane lifted off the ground and into the cold Kansas City sky, it began to softly snow...we were heading home to Seattle, after being back home for Christmas. Ingrid Michaelson's version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow started playing on my iPod about an hour into the flight and I had to hold back the tears. I already missed everyone. To some it may sound a tad cheesy...but that song, preformed by any artist, has become one I go to when I want to be reminded of home, of where I came from, of my family and friends...of Kansas. Along with the memories, come bittersweet feelings of leaving it behind again intertwined with those of moving forward and growing. Not growing out or away, but growing into oneself as a person, an individual.

home : seattle
Erik and I have been in Seattle for four and half years now and we both love it here. The weather, despite what people may say, is not that bad...it rarely gets above 90 degrees or below 32 degrees. Once the sun shines, it shines bright and beautiful. Almost every summer day is like that perfect 75 to 80 degree day that might show up in Kansas in April or May. There is so much to do...so much we still need to do! There are more outdoor activities than I can name and so many restaurants and concerts, its hard to keep up. There's so much to take in that at times it can be a little overwhelming....but exciting. There is still such a feeling of newness and change here. It always feels fresh and full of life, movement, growth and opportunity.  To quote the great Jimmy Buffett (who, many may know, is a family favorite)-

"River gets deeper not shallow, the further you move down the stream, wonderin if I can keep her

As I race to catch up with my dreams, how they shine and glitter and gleam"

back home : kansas
When I'm back in Kansas, no matter how frigid the temperature outside, it always feels comfortable and cozy, like home should feel. My parent's house hasn't changed a whole lot...a kitchen remodel, some paint in the bedrooms...but it still feels the same. It is still the place where we can act like little kids around Christmas, even though some of us (Erik and Adam) are closing in on 30 years old. Its a place we can let our guard down, we can cry, we can laugh, we can hug, snuggle up, say something dumb...and no one will judge you, no one will care...because they care so much. 

The longer we are away, the more nostalgic it feels going back...the trips back are fast and furious, so we fill the time with little sleep and lots of joking and laughing and story telling. Sometimes I have to pull myself back to the ground to remind myself that not everyday is Christmas...the whole family doesn't get together for large home-cooked dinners and gifts every weekend. I have to let the reality set back in...it isn't like this all the time. It isn't like this a majority of the time...that's what makes our visits so special. Everyone has a real life to live too, with real jobs and real stress. But for that little bit of time...we can forget everything and just enjoy each other.

The older I become, and the closer we get to someday starting our own family, the more I hope Erik and I can create that same sense of home and sense of place for our children. How does one create that sense of home? How do you make sure that sense of security is there? How do you create a home base? As sad as it would be, if my parents ever decided to move from the house in which so many memories were created, my childhood home, I know that its not the house.

It's the unconditional support, the trust, the love...the people.

And that's how I know we and our future kids will be ok...wherever we might end up.

view from my parents attic, while wrapping presents- 12.23.12

To anyone who has ever felt insecure...

I know there have been many before me write about this, and I know I will not be the last one. For tonight at least, I want you to listen to what I'm going to say from up here on my soap box. 

Recently, I've heard a lot of negativity...not gossip or world news...its been in the form of personal insecurities. I'm sure it is always around me but for some reason I've honed into it as of lately. I've heard everything from nonchalant comments about being too fat and needing to workout, to people depriving themselves that last cookie because they want to be 'good', all the way to a wonderful young mother feeling completely down and disappointed with herself. 

Why do we think and talk so badly about ourselves? Whether it is regarding appearance, ability, personality...why do we so harshly judge ourselves? I do it...my friends, family, and co-workers do it...but are we all that insecure? I'm trying to source this trend of self-deprecation...and when I find it, I'm going to kick it in the shins and tell it to leave my friends and family alone!!

I can always blame society...(man that society is blamed for everything, huh?). With tv specials like the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show where woman who are bone thin but somehow can still fill a DD bra, flaunt their flawless, un-photoshop'd bodies. And for the record, you are crazy, Adriana Lima..really 8 weeks after you gave birth you looked like THAT? How are real woman supposed to compete with people like you? I'm not a mom yet, but I can't imagine the pressure this puts on REAL woman, who don't have trainers and nannies, and endless hours a day to spend at the gym. I know...it's her job..yadda yadda yadda...and still, like many other woman out there, I own a few swimsuits, pjs, bras, and undies from VS. I totally buy into it...

Another place that may bring on bad mouthing ourselves? Fashion magazines...Don't get me wrong, I LOVE them. I love the ads, the articles, the color and photography...the excitement I get when I see that extra large September issue of Vogue crammed into my tiny apartment mailbox...But all you need to do is flip through one to look at the unnaturally thin models and the expensive 'must haves' of the season. If I really owned all of the 'must haves' of the season, I wouldn't be able to afford the other, more common, 'must haves' in life...like food and shelter. But I subscribe to it...I like seeing whats new and trending. 

We also have shows like Fashion Police (which I love...) that might be fun to watch after an awards show to see the pretty dresses but it also tears apart people who don't have the same fashion taste or sense that the hosts have. But I buy into it!!! "Oh yes, I agree with you Joan Rivers, that dress was a tragic mistake..." 

And then I catch myself...I'm judging others. So obviously, they are judging me, right?  

Odds are, they are too busy judging themselves and worrying what you think of them to worry about you...if that makes sense.

As I'm writing this, I'm realizing that the magazines and tv shows are not going away. Honestly, I like my magazines and don't want them to go away...They are not going to change, at least for a long time so we need to change how we take in what they are throwing at us. 

Maybe the solution to our insecurity problem is to separate our own personal feelings from what is being projected onto us. We should all stop comparing ourselves to the Kate Moss' and Heidi Klum's out there and focus on what is good for us personally...we should live up to our own personal standards and meet our own personal goals. Maybe we can all learn to be content with who we are in our own skin. As long as we are active and healthy...does it matter if we can fit into those size 4, 8, or 12 jeans? We need to learn to be ok with ourselves, love ourselves, how we are today...not how we think we will feel if we buy that expensive bag or brand name pair of shoes or if we lost 20 lbs or had rock solid Daniel Craig abs.

Life is too short to let all of these insecurities stunt our happiness. When you are taking your last breath...are you really going to be thinking 'Man, if I could have only lost those last 10 lbs and bought those Jimmy Choo's, my life would have been perfect.' 

I doubt it.